The Mindfulness Response: Self-Love, Self-Kindness, and Self-Care

Self-Love, Self-Kindness, and Self-Care

            Self-love and self-kindness help reduce anhedonia. The group members talked about experiences with anhedonia, which is experienced by those who have recurring mental health symptoms. Self-love includes being patient, respecting your values and choices, and caring for yourself. The personal inner knowledge is accumulated over time and with life experiences.

            Self-love and self-kindness are giving you time to care for yourself. Without this time, you would not be able to care for others. Self-love is not narcissism or selfishness. To love someone else, a person must first allow themselves to learn and grow and seek happiness and freedom. Carl Rogers (1942) writes that people cannot change or move away from what they are unless they accept who and what they are. After this point, change can come.

            Accepting who and what we are is a reality check and sometimes the reflection in the mirror is not what we want. We need help to grow and change. Our USA culture emphasizes independence and DIY, do-it-yourself. Accepting help is one reality check that is necessary to get over those bumps in the road of life. Accepting support from one person or a support group or building support around you if you don’t feel you have enough support.

            The group discussed how old movies showed the family laughing, cooperating, always happy, and supportive of each other through thick and thin. This isn’t always true. Sometimes the people you want to support you are not capable of understanding. Sometimes it may take another 20 years for them to understand mental health symptoms. You may need to go outside of your family and find others to support you. You may have to find sober friends and leave those who are abusing drugs behind because they are not safe or understanding people.

Acceptance and Self-Compassion

The Mindfulness Response can see how difficult it can be for participants to move out of the victim role and into a personal responsibility role. The group recognized that it takes time and patience to do this and validated all emotions. The group reminded participants how self-compassion helped them learn to accept, identify, and manage different emotions and feelings.

My Well-Being

Practice self-compassion skills daily.

Use the team approach to help you continue to move forward.

Accept yourself where you are today.

Recognize what you have learned from pain and suffering.

Acknowledge that you have more self-knowledge.

Build supportive relationships and find a support group.

Set boundaries with those who are violent, abusing substances, or have unsafe behaviors.

Stay sober.

Take medications daily.

Take time daily to eat healthy foods, get proper sleep, and exercise.

            Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1969) wrote about grief and loss and noted that there were only two emotions: love and fear. All positive emotions come from love, and all negative emotions from fear. From love flows happiness, contentment, peace, and joy. From fear comes anger, hate, anxiety, and guilt. There are indeed only two primary emotions, love, and fear. But it's more accurate to say that there is only love or fear, for we cannot feel these two emotions together, at the same time. They're opposites. If we're in fear, we are not in a place of love. When we're in a place of love, we cannot be in a place of fear.

            The Mindfulness Response recognizes many more different emotions and feelings than just love and fear and validates them in group therapy discussions. Being able to identify a strong feeling and then recognize underlying feelings and emotions takes work and practice. By doing this type of observation, being able to stay with the intense feeling, a person learns to understand their inner self. The group noted that other strong feelings such as jealousy, shame, anger, and resentment can be as powerful as fear, and participants talked about how those feelings controlled their lives at times.

The group discussed how positive feelings, such as love, and happiness need attention. The group noted that caring and responsibility are needed for love and that making daily plans for positive interactions takes time and effort.

            Through observations and acknowledging emotions and feelings a person develops a different relationship with themselves and this will affect responses to triggers, PTSD flashbacks, anxiety and depression levels, and psychosis symptoms. By regular practice of mindfulness, a new mindset or attitude develops. The group realized that self-compassion helped create more enjoyable feelings and experiences for themselves.

Gain Insight and Apply skills

            One participant told the group how they could not rely on their family and had to find friends for support because the family was all on drugs and couldn’t be trusted. The participant talked about how they had an adopted mom, a bio-mom, and a bio-dad, but would not have any more contact with bio-mom or bio-dad due to childhood trauma. The group validated the feelings and talked about how important an adult role model is for a child.

            This participant had numerous trauma and grief and loss issues. They said that relatives weren’t helpful, or those that were helpful in the past had died. The participant talked about a cat that they had for years, but it died, too.

            The participant explained that they had siblings, but most continued to abuse drugs and they wanted to stay sober. They recalled moving from one school to the next, due to lack of rent money. Childhood experiences included memories of drugs, alcohol, and unstable housing situations.

            This participant told others that different therapy programs helped decrease self-injurious behaviors with DBT skills. They explained how helpful it was to keep practicing skills to stay grounded and do reality checks for visual hallucinations. They knew multiple skills but noticed seasonal patterns for symptoms and needed support during depressed periods.

They were open about the voices that were criticized each day. They grieved over a lost pet and talked about how it provided comfort when they felt defeated by the voices. They talked about conflicts with the adopted mom. The group discussed resources and helped the participants. The participant trusts their experiences and try a new approach. The participant talked later in the group about how a community program helped them maintain stability.

Resources

Community Centers: classes, hobbies, events

Community Support programs

County Mental Health Services for adults

Social media sites: 

NAMI.org National Alliance of Mental Illness at the state and federal level

Meetup.com

Individual therapy

Psychiatry

Primary Care Physician

AA or NA

Women’s or Men’s groups

Churches, Temples, Synagogues, Mosques

Transformation: Naikan Philosophy, Love & Belonging

            Naikan philosophy emphasizes connections to the community and that we are not alone in our suffering. The group began to understand their interactions in a new way and realized how gratitude affected their daily lives. The three questions were applied to love and belonging.      

The First Question: What did I receive from others?

            Group therapy participants who have serious mental illness tend to feel as if they don’t belong and that others don’t understand them. Common Humanity shows us how we are valuable members of society and can help others by being role models or mentors. The ability to feel connection and support from others is vital for everyone. Common humanity recognizes the importance of recovery from serious mental illness. The support can change one’s life and in turn, change hundreds of others.

            The group discussed attendance at support groups such as AA that emphasized gratitude and the conversation was much different than his earlier life experiences. The member felt accepted by the support group and found a sponsor. The member talked about the feeling of community that was there and the good feelings generated by the support group meetings.

            The member explained to the group how he felt accepted when he talked about his symptoms and that he was valued by the support group. He talked about his interactions with the group and that he wanted to do more in life than he used to do. He explained that there would be a new child in the family and that meant responsibility towards the younger generation. The group member talked about how there was a connection between the people at the AA support group and then felt relieved that others understood personal difficulties throughout life.

            The self-compassion concepts were discussed. The member talked about how others understood his problems and could relate to what was discussed. The member explained to the group that there was a common bond among all the people in the support group and the group discussed the sense of belonging. The member said that there was a sense of family there, even though they weren’t blood relatives.

The Second Question: What did I give or return to this person?

            The group therapy members did not think about their relationship with others as important until they encountered the Naikan philosophy. At times, members felt isolated from others and shut down. When depressed and experiencing overwhelming symptoms, they didn’t see how they, as a person, could benefit another friend, family, or acquaintance in the community. They forgot about small interactions and focused on trying to manage symptoms.

            Discussion of a small interaction that uplifted another person was beneficial for others to understand how all actions are important. Discussion of how a smile, a hello, a nod, or small talk can change attitudes was part of the philosophy. The reassurance that they give to one another by listening is invaluable. The importance of being at home with parents was good for both of them. One person said that they moved in with their parents and their parents were happy to have another person in the home. They said they cared for six dogs, and it was not an easy job.

            Naikan philosophy teaches us that our actions and expressions do influence others. Naikan reminds us of our connection to others in our immediate surrounding area, and the larger community. The philosophy explains that all interactions influence others and have an impact on them. There are pieces of communication that we may not realize.

            Some of the group therapy members were hesitant to speak their opinions. Needing everyone’s input is helpful for the group, so they are asked what they think. One noticeably quiet group therapy participant was reminded that their presence in the room made a difference. Just being there and listening to others makes others feel comforted. Listening to others and making eye contact shows understanding and empathy. Non-verbal communication is very important and being present although silent makes a difference to others.  Often forgotten, non-verbal communication can be more powerful than words.

            During group therapy sessions members would describe their symptoms to others, validate others, and offer suggestions. At first, they didn’t realize how much they influenced other group members. People talked about all kinds of subjects from physical health, to work stress, family discord, relationship break-ups, and grief and loss. The honest and open conversations about personal struggles helped others initiate action.

            In group therapy or a support group, the presence of another person is important. It is a visible sign that someone else hears your distress and is a witness to your personal story. Sometimes group therapy members express themselves a great deal and offer helpful suggestions. Every group therapy participant is important to the group process, and what they offer to others is worth its weight in gold.

One member related to others’ problems over the years with difficulties in life and feeling bad about past problems and regrets. The member was open about experiences and sharing. There was a long discussion between group therapy members about how the relationship was beneficial to both the people in the AA support group and to the members because they learned from each other.

            The group therapy discussed how sharing past trauma could help others understand their struggles with trauma too. They discussed how PTSD trauma and psychosis can bring a person down into a deep pit, and that it was deeper than those who have arguments, or problems with job loss, or divorce. They discussed how every small part matters.

            I feel like this group understands and accepts me. I couldn’t talk about this in the other program.

            I feel welcome here. Other people listen to me.

            I am so relieved that I can finally talk about my psychosis and my depression.

            The feeling that someone else hears the person and that someone else understands is a healing energy for the heart and soul. Whether the participation level is large or small, members found that their life and their presence in relationships made a difference to other people.

The Third Question: What troubles, worries, and unhappiness did I cause this person?

            This was adjusted, because of the stigma and shame that exists in those who experience recurring mental symptoms to read: 

What interactions did I have, or what changes did I cause with others?

            The conversations around this question relate to their knowledge of life lessons, respect, and limits. This question addressed their actions, their recovery process, and any unhappiness that they may have caused the person.

This question brings awareness about interactions between people. Once practiced the group members talked about their interactions in more depth. One participant noticed that a relative tended to talk down to them, so they limited the time visiting this person.

            The group discussed interactions setting limits and boundaries, and how this can be a lesson for both people about mutual respect. As group therapy members learned to assert their feelings and thoughts, it became evident that old communication patterns needed to be changed. Being assertive takes courage. They gave each other encouraging advice. The group realized that even though this seemed difficult, that life lessons are learned through tough love situations. The comments on the process:

            Write down what you want to say before you go into the situation.

            Practice saying it in front of a mirror, or to yourself.

            You deserve to be treated with respect.         

            The value of a respectful relationship was emphasized. The connection to other friends, family, or others was part of this by setting limits and being assertive. The discussion about interactions and boundaries helped them feel that they deserved respect from others and learn to speak openly about it.

            The group discussed how to manage symptoms of wanting to isolate, be shut down, and think that they have to fight off the trauma by themselves or seek help. Naikan encourages help from the community and the connections between the individual and the greater community as a whole. It questions interactions and engages people to think about what they do and why.

            The group discussed gratitude and how small pieces of conversations, interactions, or doing things can add up to larger amounts of happiness for us. We often overlook small things and gratitude helps us realize that being thankful and appreciating others can start a relationship moving in a new direction. Naikan philosophy emphasizes the ability to return kindness. Gratitude helps us recognize our gifts to others and their gifts to us. This renewed energy helps foster healthy relationships and create a sense of love and belonging. Healthy relationships bring about support and establish a family or community of friendship.