A Mindfulness Response: Boundaries

Privacy Circles & Boundaries

            Lazarus (1981) wrote about multimodal therapy and developed privacy circles. This concept addresses personal boundaries and was used to help show how people interact with others differently. We create boundaries between ourselves and others in social situations. We are comfortable telling some people more personal information and doing more activities with them. They are closer to our inner circle (self). Other people further away from the center tend to share less information.

            On each circle, print the names of people and your connection as a close, personal friend, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. You may know of people who represent you at the city or state legislature, for example and know of them through TV, newspapers, or media.

Privacy Circles

Notice Your Boundaries

Write the names of people in the center circle who know your personal information and symptoms.

Write the names of those who are close to you and are supportive people in the next circle but may not know very personal issues.

Continue to write the names of those you know in outer circles, whether friends, family, or acquaintances.

            There are relationships to be developed that can become supportive for us. Being open and honest about symptoms is a sign of trust with others that you are willing to share experiences. It can be surprising how many people reveal distressing situations to us when we are open with others.

Plan Ahead

            Remember to keep yourself safe. This takes redefining what boundaries you need to stay safe. Think about the people who will be present. Think about whether drugs or alcohol are present. Think about how you will get there and back home.

If you decide to attend an event, consider the time it will take you to travel and the time you will need to leave. Also, consider what you will do if you feel uncomfortable and need to leave. Finally, consider whom you will meet there and whether you can have someone you trust to go with you to the event.

            People make plans, but symptoms can interfere with those plans. Fearful of what will happen, try to have an open conversation with your psychiatrist or prescriber about your level of fears and anxiety. Plan ahead if you want to go to a family event or a community event but are afraid of being triggered by someone or something.

Planning Ahead Involves

Ask for a PRN for anxiety and panic attacks.

Bring something to read or do.

Bring a game that you enjoy.

Go with someone you trust, a friend, or your support person.

Plan to go for a short walk or take a break in another room.

Plan to leave after a certain time.

Arrange transportation to and from the event.

Communicate with your support person about the event and problem-solving with this person.

How do I work through the shame?

Work with a licensed individual therapist who has experience with trauma victims

Acknowledge the emotional pain involved in the situation or events.

            Identify feelings involved

Identify thought distortions involved with automatic negative thoughts

Notice the relationship of negative thoughts to your feelings and actions

Observe how shame controls your life

With a therapist, learn what are safe behaviors and safe relationships

Learn to set safe boundaries for yourself

2. Apply Concepts from Self-Compassion

Try to practice behaviors that are different from your “usual” behavior.

Try to forgive yourself for past feelings and thoughts about yourself and others.

Practice mindfulness.

Stay in the present moment, not in the past or in the future.

Learn to become non-judgmental towards yourself and others.

Learn to observe, acknowledge, and accept thoughts and feelings that come to mind.

Learn to let them go.

Every day is a new opportunity to try new thoughts, feelings, and actions

3. Join a Supportive Group in the Community

            Do not isolate yourself from others

            Practice changing your behaviors

            Remain sober

            Choose safe and sober friends

            Place limits on those who are not sober and who have been or are abusive

            Build supportive people into your life

4.  Be Part of the Community

            Speak about your experience.

            Become an advocate.

            Vote, write to your legislator

            Find something to do daily: volunteer, work, practice hobbies, or join community clubs. (Brown 2012; Neff 2011)

Forgiveness

            The practice of forgiveness and moving forward is explained in different cultures.

We can proceed when we are ready to make changes in our lives. Until then, we must evaluate what we value and why we hold onto patterns of behaviors, thoughts, and feelings.

            There are safe ways to communicate with abusive people if you cannot totally stop communicating with them. Consider other ways to be safe when doing this so that you are not stuck in the same room with the perpetrator or abuser. Keep communication short and to the point. Stick to facts. You do not need to explain everything to an abuser, not feelings, not thoughts. You can just send a card to say small things, such as:

I hope your day is nice.

I hope you are enjoying the warm sunshine.

I have been busy with everyday chores, gardening, and cleaning.

I have been busy with the kids at school.

The Mindfulness Response and Forgiving Myself

            Certain thoughts and feelings can cause us to recall instances from the past that we regret and may blame ourselves for the situation. Self-compassion teaches us to recognize and acknowledge those thoughts and feelings but to practice a different reaction to them. Forgiving yourself for the past is a process that takes time. It involves gaining an inner understanding, reconsidering issues, reframing your reaction to the past, and then reconciling with yourself.

            Stay in the present. Do not focus on the past unless you are doing past work with a therapist. Do not focus on the future since it is not here yet. Anxiety and depression are common emotions for those who focus on what they did wrong in the past or are worried about if they will screw up in the future.

            The Mindfulness Response helps us understand the past and untangle the negative thoughts and feelings. By use of self-compassion, we learn to observe the past and notice the negative thoughts, feelings, images, and sensations that are associated with it. We identify the PTSD triggers and acknowledge that they are there. Feelings, thoughts, images, and sensations are real. The response to the trigger can be cooled down, and with practice, we can choose another response. With practice of the Mindfulness Response, we learn to disengage from the highly charged emotions and negative thoughts and make a different choice.

What are the Feelings, negative thoughts, and images that are bothering me?

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Observe, Notice                                 Acknowledge, Accept               Affirmation & Letting Go

I was much younger                        I gained knowledge                        I am wiser

I did not know what I do now          I have learned                                 I have grown

I made mistakes                              I have changed                                I am safe now

I got addicted                                  I got help                                         I am sober

I did immoral things                        I got caught                                     I can be a mentor

I thought I was doing right         I realize things differently                  Help my community

I did not have the support           I was a child                                    I did the best I could

I was a victim                            I was abused                              I can speak about it

I should have known        I did not have knowledge             I can teach others

It was a secret                      I was shy                                             I could assert myself

I feel powerless                    I can grow with help                           I regain self-power

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